5 common principles of connectedness I discovered by listening to the stories of people I care about

What is “connectedness”?

Communication-psychology describes connectedness as…

The feeling of belonging to another person or being part of a group of people based on a mutually trusting relationship.

It is one of four fundamental emotional needs, alongside having a sense of self-worth, experiencing a satisfactory degree of freedom and the feeling of being loved.

In my own words I want to add that connectedness is a universal principle that makes creation, development and experiences possible in the first place, because all these things (in whatever way they show themselves) are only possible if there is the basic possibility for mutual contact and exchange. This principle touches all areas of manifestation: The physical world, energetic processes, emotional experiences and mental activity.

Instead of an introduction… — Why?

Have you ever felt this flash of inspiration when you listened to someone who told you about his or her experiences in life, about the things this person discovered and gained insight into, went through or is planning and doing right now? Before this encounter you might have felt at a loss of energy and motivation - planless, passionless, or even totally out of perspective…

But once the conversation starts and the connection between the two of you begins to deepen, just by listening and tuning in to this other person, you begin to pick up this certain sympathetic vibration and some of this other person’s energy flows over to you. You feel like in an instant a whole new world opens up to you. A world full of adventure, possibilities and joy of fulfillment and development. As if suddenly a door opened and you could get a glimpse of what else is possible “out there” in life.

Or maybe it is a deep share of this other person’s feelings. There might be grief and sorrow, pain and suffering. Or it might be joy and laughter, delight and bliss. By listening to this account of experiences, the spoken word provides you with an address to tap into those feelings inside of yourself, either because you remember them, or because you imagine them vividly.

And you want to know more. You start asking questions, as the curious child inside of your soul grasps for the deeper understanding of it all, wants to discover, explore and be part of this other person’s world. Be it out of pure curiosity, or because your inner child realizes that what this being in front of you talks about could as well be part of your own reality — if you only allowed it to be part.

And if this person in front of you suffers, you might feel that by sharing the burden of feelings and emotions through listening, the other person becomes happier, without the need for you to become sad yourself. As all that is needed is to make the other person the “present” of your undivided presence.

Also, by sharing the joy and delight of experiences someone else had, the happiness becomes more than it was before. And you don’t feel guilty for receiving a good share of happiness growing inside yourself — by listening and connecting. Why? Because we like to share with others what makes ourselves happy!

And after your encounter? — You might go separate ways again, but you shared some time and experiences. You enriched your own perspective of life by listening to the perspective of another being. You might even feel closer to this person than ever before, no matter if it was a stranger to you previously or a good friend. And something might as well stir inside of you that yet needs attention to be assigned the right place inside your consciousness.

Howsoever your own encounters might look like, one thing is for sure:

Sharing with others enriches your life, deepens your connection with them and grants you the certainty of the feeling: “I am part of it — and all that, which I can be part of, is much more than I believed there is — up to this moment in time“.

For me, this is the magic of connecting consciously.

Insights into human connection and relationships

In the course of the past three months I’ve been interviewing several wonderful people from different walks of life, age, cultural background and profession about some aspects of their live’s journeys, their experiences, the work they do and their understanding of connectedness. I called these encounters “Connection Talks”.

My goal was to find underlying principles of connection that — once practiced — can help people to build better relationships (with themselves and others) and feel more connected, loved and being part of something, instead of feeling isolated and lonely.

Coming from those interviews, I want to share with you five common aspects of connectedness that those very diverse people were all talking about, one way or another. I share them with you, because I think they are simple and powerful, and once you hear them you will say: “Sure, makes sense. I’d say the same”. I believe integrating those principles in our mindset will make us happier and have better relationships.

A few words of caution to get the most out of those insights:
As over-stimulated as we are nowadays with information and ideas, we often tend to believe that the solutions that bring REAL change and happiness must contain never-heard-of ideas that are complex and quick to apply at the same time, and maybe we also believe that they can and should come from outside of us, while we never have to move a finger to make them part of our reality. Everything that sounds like “old wisdom” and kinda “fluffy” or “cheesy” in contrast to this complex wonder we expect can simply not be the right way…
Let go of these misconceptions. They are big bullshit.

1. Everything comes down to awareness

There is a big difference between imagining things in your mind and simply witnessing, feeling and being aware of what is. Many sacred writings, religious texts and spiritual teachers talk about the fact that the present moment (the NOW) is the only place and time in which life happens. Your senses and the sensory inputs that you process are happening RIGHT NOW. Whatever interpretation your mind is producing by reacting on this input of course creates your reality too, but it is not that WHAT IS, it happens in some fleeting moment in the past or in a future that might never come.

Crossing the boundary from unconscious mind-cinema to quieting your mind and just being aware of what you perceive NOW is a necessary fundamental ability in order to connect consciously.

And why is it necessary for connecting? Because…

2. Connecting means to be fully present with someone else and deliberately devoting your time, energy and focus to this other being, thus creating and holding a space for the other person to enter

Maybe you heard this saying before:

“The energy flows to where your attention goes.”

In times of pseudo-connectedness through social media, over-stimulation through TV and flickering advertisement, as well as traffic noise and signals everywhere, we more and more lose our ability to concentrate and put focus on one thing at a time.

Nevertheless, we are social beings and we are wired to NEED being connected!

Consider those two situations for a moment:

a) You want to talk to your partner, because you had a bad day. Instead of looking you in the eyes, your partner stares at the screen of a smartphone, texting someone else and obviously not giving a shit about what you just feel the need to share.
How does that make you feel?

b) Same situation. Same need of yours. The only difference: Upon realizing that you have a need to share something and need someone to listen to you, your partner switches off the smartphone, turns towards you, looks you in the eyes and says: “My darling, I’m here and I will listen to you. What’s on your mind?”
Now, how does THAT make you feel? Any difference? I bet there is.

In order to be able to give our full presence to someone else, we need to be able to quiet our own mind. Only once I learn that there are times when it is not about ME and how I think about things, I can truly give other people the chance to express how THEY think and feel — and this is what creates the space for my vis-à-vis to enter and feel safe, loved, respected and connected in.

From this deliberate presence and interest in the other person then grows something that you will never be able to “construct” artificially, through social media or superficial words alone:
Trust. Love. Appreciation.
Suddenly, by simply BEING THERE for the other person, FULLY, with ALL YOUR ATTENTION, you feel that the other person begins to be there for you as well. And in the matter of a moment your loneliness transcends into a sense of belonging, being loved and having a self-worth, because you realize that you always can give SOMETHING, no matter how much or how little you on materialistically: Your presence. That way, anyone who will be with you is truly gifted.

All it takes is this one person holding a space for another. And this person can be you.

3. Without connection there is nothing worthwhile

Imagine for a moment a life without the possibility to connect.
To anything. Or anyone.
What would be left for you?
How would that make you feel?

You would live a life in a world without reflections. You couldn’t create anything. And even if you could, anything you created would just fade into a dull space of ignorant oblivion, only enjoyed by yourself — but how long would that joy last? How long would it take for you to be lost in the emptiness of a meaningless life?

Keeping in mind this extreme of dis-connectedness:
What can you do RIGHT NOW to celebrate this ever-present principle in your life?

We are creating this world together!

4. We connect best by expressing ourselves in alignment with our own values and beliefs and by creating and realizing our own ideas as an offer to the world.

Despite all the assumed connection we have with social media nowadays, more people are actually consumers of other people’s lives than are creators of their own lives. Why? I guess the reason is simple: We are afraid to be seen and possibly judged by others.

Showing yourself creates a space of vulnerability, because whatever we do is NEW. And something that is new creates an opportunity for new experiences and learning. Unfortunately, “learning” is often understood as “doing something wrong”. And due to our culturally-conditioned beliefs (at least in many western countries) that we need to do everything right from the start, we prefer not to try anything, bury our ideas inside our hearts and instead watch other people do great stuff.

But what happens with ideas that are not realized and instead buried? They start to rot inside our soul, and we become sick of it. Depression. Isolation. Bad mood. Broken relationships. You name it.

If we only knew that actually everyone still wanted to be a creator as an adult, just like they where creators and adventurers when they were children.

So the good news for those who did not give up on a life of joy, adventure and fulfilled dreams yet:

People admire you for being vulnerable, because they often don’t dare to do it themselves — just like you. But by showing them that no one will be eaten alive for living their heart out, they might follow the lead and you can create something wonderful together. So why don’t you dare to realize your ideas and take action on them NOW? You will be the role-model for all the people that are still dreaming the same fearful dream of dis-connectedness and evil in the world, who are longing for the permission to live life the way they feel it is right. The only thing that keeps them from “just doing it” is the fear in their own mind that lures them into believing they would lose connection and that they wouldn’t be loved anymore if they did what they truly wanted. Realize that you are the only person who can change your life and connect with others by leading by example.

5. We can be uniquely ourselves and connected at the same time. Diversity creates the beauty in this world and enriches the lives of individuals.

Next time you take a walk in nature, have a look around. How many plants or animals can you spot that are 100% the same?

And even looking at individuals from the same species: How many of them are totally equal?

Would they fight each other because of their diversity?

It is a natural trait of life that each individual form has unique characteristics that distinguishes it from other individuals of the same kind (ok, don’t start a discussion now about bacteria that propagate by cell-division creating clones — concentrate on the bigger picture please ;-)).

Everyone of us has something very personal and special to contribute and share with the world. Those who resonate with that which we have to share will show themselves and connect with us — but only if we give them the opportunity to know that we have something to offer! Therefore, we must show what we have to offer and let others know about it. Proudly. Joyfully. Colourfully. Just like the flower offers it’s pollen to the bee with a lot of attractive smell and appearance, expressing itself, making the world a place to discover something new and yet unseen.

“Be yourself — everyone else is already taken.”
(Oscar Wilde)

Listen to Connection Talks

To dive deeper into the discoveries I made by listening to some of those fascinating people out there, who started to show themselves, who create and share what they have to offer — listen to these Connection Talks on my Youtube Channel and subscribe if you want to stay tuned for more to come…