All you have to do is care
My way of helping people to open up and feeling safe
Do you remember how you made friends in your childhood?
I remember that quite lively: “Do we wanna be friends?” — that was the magic question. Not that it would have been totally necessary, but it marked the threshold to long lasting activities together.
I also remember how easy it was to reconcile for me and my cousin when we had arguments: “Why do we actually bicker with each other right now?”, was the ritual question.
In our early years the answer was simple and ritual as well: “I actually don’t know!”, which indicated the end of the quarrel.
Our focus was on having a great time together, and fighting indeed needed too much energy to keep it up. So we chose the smart way out: Not making it up by sticking to our own egos (what was that anyway?).
Now, roughly 25 years later, we still enjoy each other’s company, albeit not that regularly. Building relationships, caring for them and putting aside arguments and being open with other people in different situations proved to having become a bit more “difficult” though — talking about adult life in general.
Why is that so? — Who knows… things people learned from their parents about soothing fights, communication, personal values, self-image, negative experiences with being open with other people and showing vulnerability, having and defending a position — the reasons can be manifold. But what I observe is that what is often lacking in relationships is the trust and connection that is needed to show oneself to the other the way we are.
Working as a coach now and having been told to be good at listening and building relationships with people, making them feel at home and safe, I have my own way for helping people to open up to me and showing their vulnerability while at the same time trusting me that whatever they tell me, they would still be safe and not “shit” upon and criticised.
Why is this trustful connection and openness good anyways?
According to psychotherapy-studies, more than 70% of the success of a therapy come from the quality of the relationship that is built between therapist and client. Methods, tools, strategies etc. — they all do not play any important role.
Which means: We can help and heal each other already by establishing a genuine connection between us, that is based on respect, appreciation, honesty, trust, suspension of judgment and a willingness to share and listen!
Now look at the quality of the relationships you are in, please.
How many do you count that have those attributes? How many people do you know that you regularly interact with, who are able to give you the possibility to be yourself fully, to express your deepest desires, fears, thoughts, wishes and longings — without judging you, keeping you small for you having big dreams (however vague they might yet be) and supporting or even push you in being authentically you, leaving those masks aside that we all have come used to wear at some point? I mean ok, we can all be open and authentic at any point in time, it is our choice… but we know how difficult this is, right? So having friends that actually “demand” this from us makes it much easier to actually DO it.
The best way to find friends that want you to show your own authenticity is by being such a friend yourself that allows them to drop their masks of adaptation.
How to help people open up and feel safe sharing what they got inside
In my experience we open up to people who essentially let us feel that they care about us and that they mean us for who we truly are inside. They are the ones who can take any aspect of us, knowing that nobody is all the same everytime and has more than one aspect to his/her personality than just the one we see when we drink a beer together.
I deeply enjoy being such a friend. And several occasions showed me that I do something right, because people open up to me and entrust me with things they didn’t even tell their close friends.
Here what I take care about (without particular order):
Remembering what was said
I give my best to remember things people tell me, such that I can refer back to it when the situation is right. This provides them with the feeling that I was really listening and that I understood that something was either important for them and I cared for this, or that I even pay attention to smaller details that others would simply neglect. At the end, remembering builds trust.
Being present
Personally, I hate nothing more than people who — while you talk to them — seem to be busy doing other stuff and not paying obvious attention to what you tell them. For me, this shows in regular eye-contact and a body-positioning that is directed towards me. Looking at someones back while you tell them how you feel is like having sex with your partner while he or she makes a phone-call with your real-estate agent — it simply doesn’t help feeling close and respected.
Although I have to admit that I have a very good friend that manages to give me the feeling of not listening to me, but whenever I checked, she could repeat every word I said and indeed was listening. Nevertheless, not getting that feeling in the first place by clear body language frustrates me and leaves the bad taste of lacking interest and disconnectedness.
Being present also includes compassionate listening and the ability to continue the dialogue by connecting to what the other person just said before.
You might be aware of this automatism that whenever someone talks to you about something, you follow along for a while, but at some point your own associations begin to show up and take over, leaving you with two closed ears and the only thing you feel is this unstoppable urge to throw your own thoughts into the discussion. You don’t even register it maybe, as the eagerness to express your own statements is the loudest need of all in this moment.
And this is, when you lose contact with the other person. You disconnected by being carried away by your own mind. Therefore, compassionate listening needs the practice and training to realize one’s thoughts, but holding them back, re-opening the ears and making it about the other person again.
And why? — Because when you want to build a connection to your vis-à-vis, whatever you do should firstly be about them. You can spice the talk up by relating to your own experiences, but bring the talk back to them at the end. Only when they actively ask you something about yourself it makes sense to talk about your stories and thoughts.
And very importantly: Don’t be afraid of awkward silences. Just smile, wait and listen. Something will happen.
Firstly, it is about them. And it is only about you when it is still about them.
Asking questions
There is a special magic to asking open questions, especially when they are thoughtful and give people the feeling that you are genuinely interested in them, leaving them with the invitation to share more about what is hidden inside of them. Questions help the other to direct their focus to new spaces. It shows that you care, that you want to know. And who would totally block an honest question? Maybe your counterpart now finally gets the chance to talk about something he or she needed to express for a long time!
Expressing random acts of kindness
This is so simple and yet so powerful. And probably one of those things people do the least, because it somehow feels strange for many of us to tell another how much we like him or what she is doing. But being kind like that shows the other person that the little things matter and might give back some of the lost self-confidence and self-worth. Maybe they won’t like receiving praise, but it’s worth your own discomfort, because it just feels so good, if we’re honest with ourselves.
Providing an external perspective
Being stuck in your own belief-patterns is a shitty place to be. And because the self-confidence of many people suffers from being at this place, the only thing that can really get them out there is a change in perspective. So why not helping them out in a friendly why by providing an outside perspective on how they appear to you, how you perceive them “doing their shit” and what you observe while they interact with others or treat themselves? This creates a reference-perspective to their way of seeing themselves. Be honest, constructive, compassionate and empathic when doing that. In any way, it is a great chance for them to re-evaluate their beliefs with a bit of info that they couldn’t generate out of themselves.
Being vulnerable and open yourself
The tragic of the commons is that we often believe we are alone with our pain, insecurity, doubt and loneliness, and that we often belief we knew what others think of us. Since “I know that she is not interested to hear what is on my mind, because she has a lot of stress in her daily life anyways”, we don’t even try to share. Out of pure compassion for the other and their feeling of wellbeing, of course.
But here’s the beauty of it: Once you tell people that you want to hear their stories, and you begin to tell your own, opening up, showing yourself as being vulnerable and far from being perfect, let them understand that you also got emotions that move your experienes and let them in on your own doubts and insecurities — people will feel the relief as well and often eagerly take the chance to open their gates of self-inflicted separation to dive into your mutual encounter that you offered.
Show yourself vulnerable and open so others can feel that it is ok to do the same.
Stopping their apologies for their behavior
People who are not used to talking openly and who think that they annoy you by telling you their “shit”, will use any given chance to make sure they don’t piss you off and lose contact with you. Often this is tried by apologizing for their own behavior. If you want to help them build confidence in themselves and give them trust to trust in you, smile and tell them again and again that you are not pissed off by them and that you really want to hear their story.
Or do it like I do: Just tell them to shut up about apologizing for themselves. With a big smirk on your face of course. Appreciation and respect are everything. Most likely you will earn a smile that you can answer with one of yours.
So how do you help people to open up with you? How do you make them feel safe to share what’s on their mind? Show me some vulnerability and share your best practice of connecting with me :)
