The Struggle with Authority
One idea I have been emotionally and mentally immensely challenged by is:
“I am in trouble” or “I could get in trouble for doing this”.
This idea comes from a conditioning of control-based relating, and it is found as an immature form of hierarchy, in which there’s one person in the relationship placed ‘lower’ in the hierarchy, and one ‘higher’.
Depending on the internal landscape and character of the one ‘lower’ in hierarchy, the way to deal with the immature form of this hierarchical dynamic is either a) Being suppressed and fearful in it, subordinating themselves under and behaving submissive towards the external authority figure ‘above’, or b) being in resistance to this authority figure and rebelling against it in many possible ways.
Version a) is what I internalized when I was young. It comes with a fear of authority and punishment, and, well, an highly-alert state of screening certain hierarchical relationship environments for cues of ‘trouble’, so I can avoid punishment.
My sense for relationships and the moods and behaviours of perceived authority figures became super acute — because it’s appropriate! Being sensitive and assuming of other’s reactions ( = screening for possible punishments) is in a sense “life-saving”, as it gave me a sense of control over my environment)
While hierarchies in general are a natural and highly useful way of organizing processes and relationships, relating to it in the above mentioned way is not the only way to be in hierarchy.
Changing my relationship with CONTROL is the central theme of how to be in hierarchies differently.
Through the lense of control, as given in the meaning above, I externalize my personal agency / my power to an authority outside of myself. That makes both of us co-dependent upon each other.
Through a healthy process of individuation, which involves increasing levels of self-knowing, self-trust and clear boundaries, I learned to withdraw the power I previously gave others over my life back into my own self.
The fear of or need for external authority and control opened up more and more into trusting my own internal authority and natural guiding system.
Despite an actual hierarchy that might exist externally, I can now meet the previous ‘authority’ figure on eye-level, because I don’t put myself below him/her.
The recognition of personal agency, self-responsibility and internal freedom to choose my own ‘next move’ tears down the unhealthy pedestal that I put that authority figure on.
The consequence of this internal clarity?
“I am in trouble” or “Will I get in trouble for doing this?”
has a much harder time to exist in the space of my personal clarity, responsibility and sovereignty.
The relationships I choose to be in hence move beyond the dynamics of ‘co-dependency’ into the beautiful realm of ‘inter-dependency’.
“I choose to be here, and I can choose to leave.”
“I can never be in trouble with another adult, organization or system, because I know myself, and I am capable and resilient to navigate any relationship situation with care, resilience and the simple elegance of my own inner compass.”
“I feel safe within my own being. And if necessary I am both okay to seek out the conversation AND to remove myself from the relationship. I am free to do what is right for me.”
The is what I began to recover in myself since I learned to practice the skills necessary to craft clear boundaries within myself 2 years ago.
This is the quiet power of healthy boundaries.
This is one aspect of what being a mature human being looks like to me.
