Why it is so important that we listen to one another
Interdependence
Life is neither linear nor simple. It is a complex, highly dynamic woven network of interdependence and creative expression. Looking into nature, we see wonderful examples of rhythm as well as the cyclic “movement” of processes, structures, development and growth. And all this happens for a reason: It enables life to re-create itself with new forms and ideas again and again. It is based on connecting, giving and receiving, which means: Sharing.
As a human, we also are not linear or simple. And as social beings we need to understand that we are part of something much bigger than just ourselves. We are an integrated part of this huge network, and whether we are conscious about our effects into the network and the things that affect us or not, effects take place. Or to put it in simpler words:
You cannot NOT effect the world around you.
Even not doing something is an action. You only do not perceive it as such, because you are so caught up in your own habits and familiar patterns of behavior that you don’t pay attention to what’s happening anyway.
Which means… if you think you don’t get anything “done”: Wake up, buddy! You are already doing things you don’t know about. So why not doing something intentionally instead?
But well, I let myself get carried away… in fact I wanted to get to the rhythm of sharing!
The rhythm of sharing
So why ‘rhythm’? Well, sharing is a rhythmic act, or ‘cyclic’ if you like. It’s got polarities: Giving and receiving. To share there need at least to be two beings involved, each of which takes one of the polar roles. If you got two givers or two receivers at the same time, sharing is impossible.
No-brainer, huh?
Now let’s translate that into communication: If we want to have a decent exchange of words, ideas, insights and opinions from which both participant of the conversation can benefit, sharing must happen. The roles can change of course, and they do naturally. Nevertheless, to be able to take those role, we need to be aware of our tendencies to be present in a dialogue, of our mental habits, of our engaging-preferences.
From my own observation I can say that for most people the ‘giving’ part of a conversation, a.k.a. “talking”, is not a big deal. Many people like to talk all the time. Often about themselves or their own ideas and needs. Because they have a lot to say.
In fact, we all have a lot to say! If we just found someone to listen to us…
But the ‘receiving’ part is the interesting one. One that takes some practice. One that might irritate your innate urge to express yourself over others. One that offers a lot of possibility for internal development, mindfulness and getting to know yourself. We call it ‘listening’.
The deep ecology of the art of listening
Otto Scharmer, author of Theory U, senior lecturer at MIT, co-founder of the Presencing Institute and chair of the MIT IDEAS program for cross-sector innovation, describes four different levels of listening.
- The first level, “downloading”, can be described as “I in ME”.
Being in this stage, we are basically trapped in ourselves or our space of what we know and what we habitually hear. The awareness of a downloader feeds from all the learned patterns of his past.
Talking to a downloader is like having a person in front of you, but it’s damn hard to connect, because every idea you express only leads to the downloader talking about his associations of this idea, not really relating to you or connected to what was said. All of this only to re-confirm his old judgments and opinions. Downloaders are usually pretty closed-minded people. - The second level, “factual listening”, can be described as “I in IT”.
The factual listener is present in the dialogue with an open mind that understands the technical complexity of what you say and he can also perceive the “disturbing data” and facts in your expression in order to analyse them for an appropriate response.
The best example for this type of listener is a car mechanic, whom you describe the damage on your car and who tries to understand what he needs to do in order to fix it. - The third level, “empathic listening”, can be described as “I in YOU”.
The empathic listener is present in the dialogue with an open heart and is able to see through the other person’s eyes. It is possible for her to understand the social complexities of what the other person is talking about.
An appropriate example is probably a good therapist, who is able to tune into his client and understanding his problems from that perspective. - The fourth level, “generative listening”, can be described as “I in NOW”.
The generative listener is totally present in the present moment and through that his awareness flows with the generated “field” of possibilities that are about to come to live in every moment. Being in this state, the generative listener can understand the complexity of things that are just about to be created while you talk and through this she is in resonance with the highest future potential possible, based on the potential of the current moment.
Talking to someone like this would probably be like talking to people like Socrates. The “talk” transforms into a real encounter and turns from exchange of knowledge into a flowing dialogue, in which both participants enter a space of creating together, that connects them with each other and all the possibilities that emerge from their being together at the place and time they currently are in.
If you ever experienced a glimpse of this kind of interpersonal relationship and encounter, you understand why listening and sharing in the space of a true dialogue is so immensely powerful and inspirational.
It will leave you with a big smile on your face and your heart wide open.
So next time you talk to someone that is neither your patient nor your workshop-customer, remind yourself that it is not about what you have to say, because you can download a lot of information from your past experiences. It is about what you and your vis-à-vis can create and discover together by dyamically talking and listening to each other.
When was the last time you had such an encounter with someone?
